Revolution

Messiah

New member
Hey everyone. After a year of thinking out the story and such, I have been in the process of writing my first screenplay entitled "Revolution".

Setting: Wahington D.C., year 2016

Plot: Jack Phoenix was a young boy of eight years, growing up in a troubled time. A time where a corrupt government is at war with a group of resistors known simply as the Rebellion. Despite the ongoing war, Jack lives his normal life with his loving parents. Sooner in, an event occurs which changes Jack's life forever: His parents are murdered, leaving him alone in the world.
After days of wandering the streets on his own, he meets Alucard, a man who helps him and finds him a place to live. It is when Jack reaches his new home in which we discover that it is the fortress for the Rebellion. Alucard takes Jack in and educates/trains him to adapt to their way of life for the next few years.
10 years later, Jack has grown into an adult, and Alucard becomes the new leader of the Rebellion. Things begin to change in the Rebellion, such as Alucard launching various/vicious raids on the homes or facilities of poiliticians; something which was never done in the earlier years. Through the raids, Jack begins to see a different side of Alucard: A vicious and remorseless side. Jack becomes overwhelmed one night and goes for a walk, where he accidentally runs into a beautiful young woman named Teya Dickinson. It is then that Jack falls in love on the spot. An emotion which he has never felt.
Extatic about his new found emotions for Teya, he returns to the Rebellion, to which he tells Alucard all about his night. Alucard then and there tells Jack that he shouldn't ever see her again. He proceeds to explain that he believes that love is a hollow emotion that brings nothing but pain to one's life. Jack agrees, but is not honest, so he continues to see Teya for the next few months.
Next, Alucard announces to all that the Rebellion will be launching an attack on the president of the US that would change the future: The Revolution. Soon enough, Alucard begins to rise higher and higher towards a position similar to that of which he hates: A corrupted leader. Jack finally reaches the point where he is no longer loyal to the Rebellion because of Alucard's insane ethics, but is afraid of said ethics if he was to leave the Rebellion. He is then torn between his own well-being and a restricted, emotionless life.
The Revolution is launched and things go off to a rough start. Alucard demands that the president gives up instantly so that he wouldn't have to take drastic measures. The president refuses to give in, so Alucard reaches his ultimate point of insanity, ordering the slaughtering of every innocent being in the city. Sickened and astounded by the carnage, Jack slowly wanders through everything, but then thinks of something: Teya.
Jack runs over to Teya's home, only to see it in flames. On the sidewalk in front of the home, he finds her...dead. It is then in which Jack finally snaps. He rages over to Alucard and starts beating him down in a blind fury. Alucard strikes back and the two fight. Jack is taken down after a few minutes and is drained of all strength, leaving him helpless. Alucard taunts Jack while he is down, where he reveals the truth about himself: He was the one who killed Jack's parents. As if Jack isn't devastated enough by this, Alucard also reveals his biggest secret: He is Jack's brother. Apparently Alucard was never mentioned to Jack by his parents as a child.
Jack reaches the end of his sanity with these shocking confessions. He finds a last helping of strength and he and Alucard resume their battle. The battle goes all out, and in the end, both Alucard and Jack end up dead. Killed by one another. After all this, the Revolution is brought to an end and has failed. The statement is then made: What is it about politics and war that can tear us all apart? That will put friend against friend, and brother against brother?


END


Sorry the synopsis was so long, but I really couldn't explain it any better way.

Comments anyone? :)
 

Vaare

New member
I do like the idea of someone being brought up by an older (unrelated) person and then decides to go against them. That being said... it's been done before. I trust that you won't take offense to this, but I think it needs to be said. The concept of a rebellious group at war with a corrupt government is completely overused. Farhenheit 451, Equilibrium, V for Vendetta (and those are just from recent years), I can name three dozen more.

Reading your synopsis, I can't see what makes your story so different. You don't even describe how your government is corrupt and what they do that makes people resist them so. Maybe it's just me but I like to see some degree of originality in new scripts. Unless you're just looking to pump out the same old repetitive 'genre films' then be my guest. But my guess is it's not going to make you stand out in the crowd. And it is a very very large crowd, as I've come to learn.

Also, no offense, but... 'Jack Phoenix'? 'Alucard'? It may just be me... but... ew. Alucard seems overused in the fantasy and anime world. And Jack Phoenix just sounds like a Saturday Morning reject cartoon character. Maybe that's what you were going for, I don't know.

In my opinion a lot of it needs to be more fleshed out and detailed. I'm one that actively tries to stay away from cliche plot points unless I can spin it to make it totally original. "Meeting a woman, falling in love instantly, and trying to change his life" is just at the top of the Cliche Ladder.

After all that I must tell you that I am by no account a professional in screenwriting. This is just what I noticed, and it's my opinion. On the other hand as a writer I hope you can take some harsh criticism. It may hurt but it can only help in the long run. :)

My $0.02

Best of luck to you, Messiah!
 

Messiah

New member
Exactly the kind of response I was looking for: an honest one. Yeah, I was thinking that some of it looked pretty cliché/unoriginal, but just needed a second opinion.

I shall take a stab at revising it (majorly) into something hopefully more original.

Thanks for the critique :)
 
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