Looking for Feedback on Beginning of Script.

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btyte

Guest
Hello. I am 17 years old and interested on some feedback on my first screenplay. This is just an excerpt of the beginning of my screenplay. I also have written a few short screenplay's before to practice with, but I want to see how far I can go with a full fledged script. The best genre I can give it is Action/Adventure or Fantasy. So, if it seems a little confusing, I have background information that I can give you which will eventually be incorporated in the screenplay. But any type of feedback would be great, thanks.

http://www.geocities.com/seasonticketbtyte/Outlanders.pdf

COPY AND PASTE THE LINK INTO BROWSER.

P.S. - It's Adobe Acrobat form, so if you can't view it, just let me know and I will export it another way.
 

jodymichelle

Senior Member
Staff member
This is interesting. Would like to read more. Do you think enough background is given about the main character in the beginning for the audience to be concerned about his main dilemma?
 
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btyte

Guest
That is one major concern I had about the beginning. What do you think would be the best way of incorporating more information on him? Should I concentrate more on his dialog or action. THANX for feedback.
 

jodymichelle

Senior Member
Staff member
It depends on the main character, how he will grow in the story, and how you want to show his transformation. What kind of person is the main character?

The way he interacts with the other characters, although he has a relationship with a princess, he seems to be somewhat of an average joe (who might eventually grow into a hero type figure), who in the beginning of the story so happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time but got out of it only to face more problems.

Is the way that you introduced the main character relevant to how you wish to depict him? Nothing yet seemed to stand out about him other than the fact that he has a relationship with a princess. There are other things that may seem coincidental about the main character because the audience might not know enough about him before the first big problem occurs.

Since the story is action/adventure/fantasy, maybe it can start out in the middle of an action scene, or in the middle of a fight scene involving the main character. The scene might be a flashback, (a flash forward), the battle scene before he makes it back to the princess, a dream, a premonition, a bloody scene showing exactly what the enemy teams are capable of, etc.

You could give more information on the main character through his interaction with other characters and reactions toward any events. We want more information about the main character in the beginning not just to help understand the story and move it along, but to make the main character immediately likeable. A way of making the main character more likeable is showing one of more characteristics about him that the audience can relate to.

Also, is his fight just about staying alive, is it just about getting back to the princess, or is there more? Another idea is to give more attention to the kind of relationship the main character and the princess have and to get the audience more involved as to why it is very important they reunite.

If I said anything that was completely off, please forgive me and post more excerpts :)

You mentioned that it was action/adventure/fantasy. What kind of fantasy? Are there fantastical creatures?

May I ask why you chose these names/titles: August, Brianna, Outlanders
 
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btyte

Guest
Hey, don't worry about it, you are right on target with everything. I also thought when I was reading it the main character was not "known" enough. I also when first reading thought a battle seen at the start would show more characteristics of August. But, I'm not sure how to display the battle scene. I was thinking about a first person camera view during the battle. The reason I say this is because the story takes a turn after these 10 pages of the script. What happens is when August wakes up it is the Outlanders that "capture him" and take them back to their base. The Outlander soldier's immediately recognize him as a noble because of the clothes he is wearing and want to hang him. So while August is on the rope and is about to be brought to his death, The lead Outlander takes control of the situation and stops August from being hanged. After the two talk for a little while, they find out about what is happening on each side of the war. It turns out that the Outlanders are not the one's doing the attacks, they are just defending themselves. So then August asks the big question, " Then who attacked Euphoria (Noble's Homeland.) " They come to find out through numerous ways that Lieutenant Thomas is the one who attacked his own town in a quest to become king. As a result, August and The Outlanders have to find a way to stop him. And through this journey, August and the Lead Outlander develop a lead hero personality/role.

That's basically what's next to come in the script, but with more details of course. So if you have any better ideas about the beginning of the script to show more of August personality, please let me know. And also, please don't feel bad about critiquing anything if you feel the need to.

On a side note, I chose those names because when I envisioned those characters, I saw those names. It hard for me to explain but they just fit to me.

THANX A BUNCH :D
 
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