Looking for feedback on a short horror/zombie film script.

director15

New member
Hi this is the first horror film I've ever written. Its about thirty pages long. any feed back would be much apprecitated.

ext.battlefield-night

We see a disaster site of destruction.

We see Army uniforms on the ground that were worn buy SOLDIERS , but their are no bodies in the uniforms. There are bullet holes through the uniforms as well as bloods stains.

We then see JESUS [hey-zoos] and RYAN. RYAN is dying. So is JESUS.

RYAN


You remember when you said that we shouldn't attack.

JESUS

Yes.

RYAN


You were right.

cut to.

INT.pentagon-day

We see several top ranking MILITARY INTELLIGENCE OFFICER'S sitting behind desk.

We see that they are wearing sun glasses.

LIEUTENANT DAVIS walk in the room.

intelligence dude 1

Morning LIEUTENANT.

LIEUTENANT DAVIS


Morning sir.

intelligence dude 2


We've got a top secret mission here for you.

INTELLIGENCE DUDE 1


That means confidential.

LIEUTENANT DAVIS


Yes sir. Of course , sir.

INTELLIGENCE DUDE 2


Their is a group of militants that we've been supporting that I want you to send a squad and take them out.

LIEUTENANT DAVIS


Why , sir?

INTELLIGENCE DUDE 2


National security.

INTELLIGENCE DUDE 1


We have reason to believe that they are assisting in a...

INTELLIGENCE DUDE 2


-Their inferior.

INTELLIGENCE DUDE 1


National Security. Terminate them.

INTELLIGENCE DUDE 2


That'll be all.

INTELLIGENCE DUDE 1


Dismissed!

LIEUTENANT DAVIS


Yes sir. Thank you , sir.

LIEUTENANT DAVIS walking around the halls of the Pentagon for about the next thirty seconds to a minute.

LIEUTENANT DAVIS (V.O.)


I didn't realize at the time why they we're telling me to attack a group of militants that we had been assisting , but I was to find that out sooner than I realized. They were a threat to the system. Much less the only group that was aiding us in fighting the terrorist. I had to go assemble my secret team of soldiers and whoever else in the intelligence community that I might need. Also a special Army platoon will be assisting us.

cut to.

INT.Ryan house-day

We see RYAN , a computer whiz type , eating a little cereal , when the phone rings.

We see that RYAN go's over to pick up the phone.

Ryan (into phone)


Hello.

LIEUTENANT DAVIS (V.O.)


This is

RYAN


-DAVIS. I already know. Look regarding my position I'll meet you at the gate of the militant camp. Also I think that you should know that they've already sent to other squads and to other PLATOONS out their to do this mission and its been reported that they all turned into zombies and they thought that they were fighting aliens.

LIEUTENANT DAVIS (V.O.)


Come on.

RYAN (INTO PHONE)


Thats what I heard. I'll be taking a friend with me.

LIEUTENANT DAVIS (V.O.)


You can't do that.

RYAN (INTO PHONE)


He specializes in this kind of thing. He know how to deal with people if things get out of hand , you know what I mean? He could be a real asset to us.

LIEUTENANT DAVIS (V.O.)


He better not foul this up or I'll be coming after you.

RYAN (INTO PHONE)


LIEUTENANT , I'm more worried about you that I am him.

LIEUTENANT DAVIS


Whats this friend of yours name?

RYAN (INTO PHONE)


JESUS.

cut to.

ext.militant camp gate-night

We see LIEUTENANT DAVIS drive up in a Army Hummer with a PLATOON in the back of a bigger truck behind them.

PRIVATE JOHNSON


Wheres that guy , you said was going to meet us here , sir?

LIEUTENANT DAVIS


I don't know keep quiet.

The PLATOON , with DAVIS , walk up to the GUARD at the gate.

LIEUTENANT DAVIS (V.O.)


I knew the password so we got in easy or so I thought we would.

guard


Password.

LIEUTENANT DAVIS (V.O.)


Zombie flick.

GUARD


Password.

LIEUTENANT DAVIS

Zombie film?

GUARD


Password.

LIEUTENANT DAVIS (V.O.)


Zombie movie?

GUARD


Password.

PRIVATE JOHNSON


Zombie and alien flick.

GUARD


Open the gate.

They walk into the camp.

The GUARDS shut the gate behind them.

LIEUTENANT DAVIS


How did you know the password?

PRIVATE JOHNSON


Just guessed , sir.

RYAN


Good to see you LIEUTENANT.

RYAN and JESUS come into the light so we can see them.

RYAN (cont'd)


Thought you were never going to get through that gate.

LIEUTENANT DAVIS


You've been in here all this time.

RYAN


Yes sir. This is my friend JESUS.

JESUS


Hello LIEUTENANT.

RYAN


Got to add something new to the mission LIEUTENANT.

LIEUTENANT DAVIS


What?! How come I wasn't briefed on this?

RYAN


Cause I know the people better. Remember that zombie and alien story I told you about.

LIEUTENANT DAVIS


Yeah.

RYAN


We got to take out another PLATOON , before we attack the militants.

LIEUTENANT DAVIS


They've turned into zombies?

RYAN


Yes.

JESUS


I don't think that we should go through with this mission.

RYAN


We have to. JOHNSON take three men with you over toward that way , to the river its about fifty yards away. There will be a small boat on the shore take it and scout out the area along the river , to the north.

PRIVATE JOHNSON


Yes sir.

JOHNSON turns around.

PRIVATE JOHNSON


MILES , FOSTER , JONES , come with me.

RYAN


By the way JOHNSON if you come in contact with anyone , terminate them.

PRIVATE JOHNSON


What if

RYAN


-Anyone. LIEUTENANT let me talk to you in private.

They walk over a few feet away from the group.

LIEUTENANT DAVIS

(whispering)

What is it?

RYAN

(whispering)

We need a man to act as a decoy.

LIEUTENANT DAVIS

(whispering)

What do you mean?

RYAN

(whispering)

We're going to attack at the camps railroad crossing , but we need them to think we're going to attack the ammunition dump instead.

LIEUTENANT DAVIS

(whispering)

So you want me to send one of my men to get captured on purpose.

RYAN

(whispering)

Exactly.

LIEUTENANT DAVIS

(whispering)

Wait a minute hows he gonna get captured they don't know we're here to attack them.

RYAN

(whispering)

Leave that up to me. We're gonna tell the men that we're attacking the ammunition dump so in case anyone else gets captured they'll tell them the right information too. There won't be conflicting stories.

RYAN turns around and walks back over to the rest of the PLATOON.

RYAN


All right men , we're going to attack them at the ammunition dump. I need a volunteer to go on a very dangerous assignment for us.

LIEUTENANT DAVIS


Wait a minute , I'll do it.

RYAN


But , we need you with us.

LIEUTENANT DAVIS


I want to have the assignment.

RYAN


O.k. Be careful.

DAVIS gets and m-16 and starts to walk away.

RYAN


Wait a minute.

LIEUTENANT DAVIS


Yeah?

RYAN pulls a small , can spray bottle out of his pocket. It is zombie spray.

RYAN hands DAVIS the spray bottle.

LIEUTENANT DAVIS


Extra camo?

RYAN


Zombie spray.

LIEUTENANT DAVIS


What?

RYAN


If the zombies come after you this will make you invisible.

LIEUTENANT DAVIS


O.k. But I thought that they assignment was supposed to be to give them the wrong information.

RYAN


If the zombies capture you first.

LIEUTENANT DAVIS


All right.

LIEUTENANT DAVIS runs away quietly.

RYAN walks back over to the rest of the PLATOON.

RYAN


All right change of , we're going to attack the ammunition dump.

JESUS


Why?

RYAN


Cause I said so. I brought you along to help and your giving me nothing , but trouble.

JESUS


All this going to do is cause a bunch of blood shed. Why don't you try and help these people instead of taking them out.

RYAN


Lets move out!

cut to.

ext.lake shore-night

We see MILES , FOSTER , and JOHNSON running along the shore trying to find the boat.

LIEUTENANT DAVIS (V.O.)


It didn't occur to me at the time that RYAN didn't give the other three guys the zombie spray , but he did me.

private miles


Where is that freaking boat that he told us about?

PRIVATE JOHNSON


I don't know just shut up and be quiet!

private foster


Hey their it is.

PRIVATE JOHNSON


Thank God.

They run up and get into the boat , but it is the boat that the old PLATOON used and the computer steering on the boat will take over.

cut to.

ext.in the boat/riding on the river-day

We see that they are in the boat speeding away.

PRIVATE JOHNSON


FOSTER , you drive.

PRIVATE FOSTER


O.k.

JOHNSON gets his binoculars out and looks ahead.

PRIVATE JOHNSON


Go left.

FOSTER tries to turn the boat left.

PRIVATE JOHNSON


No right.

PRIVATE FOSTER


It won't let me turn it!

PRIVATE JOHNSON


Help him MILES!

MILES tries helping him turn it.

private MILES


Its no use it won't budge!

JOHNSON turns around to see if they can all make it turn.

private MILES


Look ahead.

PRIVATE JOHNSON


Jump out.

ZOMBIE PLATOON PATROL coming toward them.

PRIVATE JOHNSON


Lets get out of here.

ZOMBIE SERGEANT BARNES


We've got you surrounded!

ZOMBIE DIVER PRIVATE WILSON jump into the water to capture them.

PRIVATE MILES


I'm handcuffed!

PRIVATE JOHNSON


Me too it must be invisible cuffs!

ZOMBIE PLATOON PATROL coming forward in their boat.

ZOMBIE SERGEANT BARNES


You thought that you would steal our boat , did you , well your captured. Get them out of the water.

ZOMBIE DIVER PRIVATE WILSON


Yes sir.

They get out of the water into the ZOMBIE BOAT.

ZOMBIE SERGEANT BARNES


Good work WILSON. Lets go.

They take off and drive away from ZOMBIE DIVER PRIVATE WILSON.

PRIVATE MILES


What about him.

ZOMBIE SERGEANT BARNES


He stays in the water.

PRIVATE MILES


Why?

ZOMBIE SERGEANT BARNES ignores MILES.

PRIVATE JOHNSON

(whispering)

Be quiet MILES.

cut to.

ext.middle of the militant camp near the zombie platoon Davis position-night


The camera serves as LIEUTENANT DAVIS eyes. He is running through the woods to of course be captured on purpose.

LIEUTENANT DAVIS (V.O.)


Little did I know thing were about to get really scary. Scarier than normal combat. I decided that I wouldn't go through with the spray , besides I was supposed to get captured anyway wasn't I?

There is a screeching noise.

DAVIS turns around to see what the noise is.

We see people walking , toward DAVIS. Their not completely normal looking though. They are aliens , but this will not be revealed until later.

ALIEN COMMANDER POWELL walks into sight with a few more ALIEN TROOPS.

DAVIS thinks its his PLATOON. Then he slowly realizes that it isn't.

ALIEN COMMANDER POWELL


Your captured.

LIEUTENANT DAVIS


Who are you.

ALIEN COMMANDER POWELL


COMMANDER POWELL.

LIEUTENANT DAVIS


Sir , I thought that I recognized you , we're on the same mission I think , but I wasn't told that you would be on this mission , too.

ALIEN COMMANDER POWELL


I'm here to stop your mission.

LIEUTENANT DAVIS


Why?

ALIEN COMMANDER POWELL


Your a threat to national security. JOHNSON.

ALIEN PRIVATE JOHNSON comes into sight.

ALIEN PRIVATE JOHNSON

Yes sir?

LIEUTENANT DAVIS


I was suspicious of you JOHNSON.

ALIEN COMMANDER POWELL


Take him to the ship so that after this mission we can take him back to......

LIEUTENANT DAVIS


-Where?

ALIEN COMMANDER POWELL


I can't say. Just take him back to the ship.

ALIEN PRIVATE JOHNSON


Yes sir.

DAVIS and ALIEN PRIVATE JOHNSON walk away. The camera serves as DAVIS eyes. The area in which they are walking is like woods.

LIEUTENANT DAVIS


I should have known I was set up.

ALIEN PRIVATE JOHNSON


What are you talking about?

LIEUTENANT DAVIS


You know perfectly well what I'm talking about.

cut to.

ext.militant camp on the trail leading to the ammunition dump-night

RYAN , JESUS , and the rest of the PLATOON are walking toward us , all carrying m-16's , except JESUS.

RYAN

(whispering to JESUS)

Did you put you zombie spray on?

JESUS


No.

RYAN


Why?

JESUS


Don't have to.

RYAN


What are you talking about?

JESUS


You know.

One of the PLATOON MEMBERS trips.

JESUS

You all right PRIVATE?

private 1


Yes sir.

RYAN walks over to PRIVATE 1 and JESUS.

RYAN


PRIVATE , you had better not screw this up , I hope your freaking life is more freaking important to you than that.

JESUS pulls RYAN off to the side.

JESUS

(whispering)

Why are you doing this? This isn't going to do any good.

RYAN


Get your freaking hands off me , before I kill you.

RYAN walks back over to where the rest of the PLATOON are standing.

RYAN


Lets move out!

cut to.

EXT.LAKE SHORE-NIGHT

We see the ZOMBIE PATROL PLATOON coming toward us with their PRISONERS.

We see ZOMBIE PLATOON guards coming toward their PRISONERS.

ZOMBIE GUARD THOMAS


Your captured.

PRIVATE JOHNSON


Yeah we know.

zombie guard 1


Start walking.

ZOMBIE PATROL PLATOON sails away in their boat.

PRIVATE JOHNSON


Why aren't they coming ashore?

ZOMBIE GUARD 1


Who?

ZOMBIE GUARD THOMAS


Just keep walking and shut up.

PRIVATE FOSTER

(whispering to MILES)

This is really freaking weird.

cut to.

ext.invisible alien ship-day

We see ALIEN PLATOON in the middle of a circle of trees.

LIEUTENANT DAVIS


Wheres your ship?

ALIEN PRIVATE JOHNSON


What are you talking about? Right over there with my PLATOON don't you see.

LIEUTENANT DAVIS


Yeah , but theres...

ALIEN PRIVATE JOHNSON


-What?

LIEUTENANT DAVIS


Nothing.

The camera serves as DAVIS eyes as they walk toward the ALIEN PLATOON.

They get to the ALIEN PLATOON and we notice that they all look like DAVIS regular PLATOON , but look a little different.

ALIEN RYAN


Back all ready LIEUTENANT?

LIEUTENANT DAVIS


Uh...yeah.

ALIEN RYAN


You can help us carry out our mission.

LIEUTENANT DAVIS


What mission is that , RYAN?

ALIEN RYAN


Don't be stupid. Lets go. Oh do you have the spray?

LIEUTENANT DAVIS


ZOMBIE spray?

ALIEN RYAN


Whats that?

LIEUTENANT DAVIS


You don't know?

ALIEN RYAN


Never heard of it before.

dissolve to.

EXT.platoons position-day

PLATOON is walking toward us RYAN is in the front carrying a silver 9 millimeter pistol.

RYAN signals his hand indicating the PLATOON to stop behind him.

RYAN


All right you three go that way , JESUS is coming with me.

private 2


Yes sir.


The other members of the PLATOON go the opposite direction.

JESUS

(whispering)

You , know they'll get massacred.

RYAN


I don't care. Put on your zombie spray.

RYAN spays the spray on his self.

JESUS does nothing.

RYAN


Go ahead.

JESUS


I don't need it.

RYAN


What?!

JESUS


I don't need it.

RYAN


Suit yourself.

They begin to walk away.

The camera serves as RYAN'S eyesight.

We hear a shrill whistle.

RYAN


What was that.

JESUS almost seems to ignore him.

We hear wild , violent screams.

RYAN


Its getting pretty freaking close , whatever the freak it is.

JESUS


You'll find out.

We see a vampire coming toward us.

RYAN


God , look whats ahead.

The vampire all of a sudden vanishes.

JESUS


What are you talking about?

RYAN


You didn't see that freaking vampire?

JESUS


No , what vampire?

ALIEN PRIVATE 1 runs toward them , but they do not know he is an alien.

RYAN


What happened.

The camera punches in for a close up of ALIEN PRIVATE 1.

alien private 1


We captured em'.

RYAN


What?! That wasn't the freaking mission , you we're supposed to freaking kill them!

ALIEN PRIVATE 1


I know , but they have some information that might be of some importance to us.

RYAN


Where are they.

ALIEN PRIVATE 1


Down this path here a few feet.

RYAN

Lets go.

The camera serves as RYAN'S eyes as we run through the woods.

Everything appears pretty much normal.

We see a light shining on what appears to be the PLATOON , but as we come closer at a fast rate of speed we begin to realize that it is not the PLATOON , not the ALIEN PLATOON , nor is it the ZOMBIE PLATOON , it is VAMPIRES!

RYAN

Holy crap!

RYAN and JESUS turn around and run the other way.

RYAN turns around and unloads a few rounds of his nine millimeter pistol on the VAMPIRES it makes bullet wholes that appear , but do not slow the VAMPIRES down.

VAMPIRE 1 jumps down from a tree in front of RYAN.

RYAN moves in for the kill with his pistol , but this only seems to shock the VAMPIRE for a minute and makes a bullet whole.

JESUS sprays the ZOMBIE spray on VAMPIRE 1.

This seems to really irritate VAMPIRE 1 , but it allows RYAN and JESUS to get away from him.

RYAN

Lets get the freak away from these crazy freaking sickos!

VAMPIRE 2 runs over to ALIEN PRIVATE 1.

VAMPIRE 2 pulls a unique looking weapon out from behind him.

The weapon looks like an regular m-16 , but has some kind of strange barrel.

RYAN and JESUS notice this exchange of weapons and take cover.

VAMPIRE 2 hands a weirder looking hand gun to ALIEN PRIVATE 1.

VAMPIRE 2 opens fire on RYAN and JESUS.

RYAN pulls out from behind a tree and unloads a couple of rounds from his pistol.

This of course doesn't do much good.

Temporary help is on the way as a ZOMBIE PLATOON helicopter comes flying over and unloads rapid fire on the VAMPIRES and ALIEN PRIVATE 1.

The camera serves as RYAN'S eyesight as the run away from the action a light mist starts to touch them it is yellow in color and they do not know what it is , but this will ultimately keep them normal , instead of turning into a zombie , or an alien.

cut to.

ext.on the side of a road-early morning hours

The camera serves as RYAN'S eyes as they get to the edge of a highway.

We now can see that it is early morning hours.

RYAN

(out of breath)

Oh God. Oh God. I bet they freaking captured the rest of the PLATOON. What was going on back there?

JESUS

War.

RYAN

What?!

JESUS

Horror.

RYAN

We got to freaking complete this mission before those guys at the Pentagon find out. Look , heres what we'll do , I know a couple of guys that do hatchet jobs down their near the boarder. We'll go hire one of them. Yeah , know just who I'm gone hire.

JESUS

Whats his name?

RYAN

Lets see...I don't know. Can't remember. Anyway I know where to find him. We'll just call him X BLUE.

RYAN takes his cell phone out of his pocket.

RYAN (INTO PHONE)

Hey man. You know who this is? You do? Good. Listen I need you to do me a little job. Can you be here soon? Great. See you then. Oh , listen we're dealing with some freaking weird pricks here. You know what to do.

RYAN ends his call and puts the phone back up.

RYAN

On his way.

slowly dissolve to.

EXT.ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD-DUSK

We see a dark Buick sedan pulling up. A man steps out.

He looks like Rambo , in his appearance.

Shells rapped around his body.

x blue

I won't seventy five percent of the dough.

RYAN

This a military operation

X BLUE

When will I get my money?


RYAN

When the operation is over , you will receive payment from the CIA

X BLUE

Then we'll search and destroy. I shall terminate the enemy on their own ground. Kill them now and you won't have to deal with them later.

JESUS

Yes , but first we have to save our men.

X BLUE

Lets go.

RYAN

We're going to run into a wall of vampires if we enter in and go this direction.

X BLUE

Good. We'll terminate them.

cut to.

ext.woods-day

The camera serves as RYAN'S eyes we see ALIEN LIEUTENANT DAVIS walking toward the camera.

RYAN

LIEUTENANT...What happened?

The camera punches in for a close up of ALIEN LIEUTENANT DAVIS.

ALIEN LIEUTENANT DAVIS

We took em' all out.

The camera punches in for a close up of RYAN.

RYAN

Thats good. What about the VAMPIRES?

The camera punches in for a close up of ALIEN LIEUTENANT DAVIS.

ALIEN LIEUTENANT DAVIS

All taken care of. We're supposed to meet the rest of the men at the ammunition dump.

The camera punches in for a close up of RYAN.

RYAN

O.k. , lets go.

The camera serves as RYAN'S eyes as they walk through the woods.

We hear a shrill whistle.

The camera serving as RYAN'S eyes we see shadows.

Now we see all of the PLATOON and they have turned into ZOMBIES. They are fighting the VAMPIRES.

The camera serving as RYAN'S eyes they grab these strange looking guns.

They start firing their weapons.

The camera serving as RYAN'S eyes as the run into a hailstorm of bullet fire.

The camera moves up looking out the tops of the trees. Their is an army helicopter flying above we hear its sound lightly.

We hear screams.

We see a shot of birds flying out of a tree.

We hear gunshots.

We get a shot of the fighting and their are lesser men this time.

We hear gunshots.

We see a shot of squirrels running out of the trees.

We look down and there is no more fighting.

The camera punches down to get a shot JESUS and RYAN fighting for their lives.

RYAN

(in deep pain)

This was a freaking suicide mission. I'm in so much freaking pain. There was no reason for us to go on this mission.

The camera punches in for a close up of JESUS.

JESUS

You'll live again.

JESUS dies.

The camera moves along slowly to get shots of all the dead bodies.

slowly fade to white.

INT.PENTAGON-DAY

Close up shot of LIEUTENANT DAVIS.

INTELLIGENCE DUDE 2

LIEUTENANT?

The camera punches in for a close up of LIEUTENANT DAVIS.

LIEUTENANT DAVIS

Yes sir?

The camera punches in for a close up of INTELLIGENCE DUDE 1.

INTELLIGENCE DUDE 1

That'll be all.

dissolve to.

ending credits

This consist of about two minutes of various images from the film.

LIEUTENANT DAVIS (V.O.)

It was all a dream of what was to come. In the last analysis war is hell , eternal life comes by death. I refused to go on the mission. They assigned somebody else and through me in the brig. RYAN also refused to go on the mission and they killed him. As for JESUS I saw him again then he went flew away.

Fade out to black.
 

pusser

New member
First of all, I'd look at some quality horror films and see what makes them work---even read some on-line reviews and see what makes those films horrific. In the end, it's....fear....the unknown....suspense as to what will eventually happen. There are lots of good examples, but one of the best (that I haven't seen in awhile) is not a horror movie at all, but one that's terribly suspenseful is SOUTHERN COMFORT, a 1981 film with Powers Boothe and Keith Carradine. Basically, a bunch of national guardsmen are on weekend maneuvers, and are dumped into the Lousiana Bayou, in uniform but without live ammunition, and told to find their way back to the highway. Along the way they fire their blanks to scare some Cajuns, but the Cajuns don't realize the shots were blanks, and they begin picking off the guardsmen, one by one, as the soldiers desperately try to get back to civilization and safety.

The movie is scary, and the eery setting, the music, the camera-work, the unknown, all contribute to an action-packed, edge-of-your-seat horror, and show how aspects of horror can be applied to battle situations.

I'll post in a few minutes with comments specific to your script.
 

pusser

New member
OK, here's the synopsis I get from your script:

Military Intelligence sends Davis to kill a previously sent platoon which has turned into zombies. Davis enlists the help Ryan and his friend Jesus. At camp, they plan to attack a railroad crossing, but tell the men it's the ammo dump. Davis volunteers to be a decoy---Ryan gives him zombie spray. Some men take a boat to scout area, but can't control it, and must leap into the water, where captured by zombies. Trying to be captured, Davis runs into Aliens---feels was a set-up---and is taken to Alien ship and platoon, which looks suspiciously like his own platoon. Ryan, Jesus and platoon split up to circle target position. Vampires are seen whizzing by. Ryan and Jesus are then unknowingly led by Alien to group of Vampires. They run away, with the flight compounded by fire from a Zombie helicopter. Ryan and Jesus escape in mist. Next morning Ryan calls mercenary XBlue to assist. Alien Davis leads them to Platoon, now turned into Zombies and fighting the Vampires. Fight turns on them as they flee. Ryan and Jesus die. But it was just a dream of the battle ahead.

There are several things I had questions about. If they knew of the possible threat, having heard stories of zombies and aliens, why would they split up? Twice?!? Why introduce XBlue unless he's going to make a substantive contribution? He's not mentioned again after they head into battle. And they die, both in the opening scene and at the end....but it really was just a sign of things to come?

It would make sense to ME (and perhaps no one else) to make this mission more substantive and direct, and the actions taken, defensive. The key to any good plot is conflict, and if the soldiers don't have some reasonable chance of defeating the aliens or the zombies, there's no conflict....only massacre. So I think there has to be some chance for these soldiers to carry out their mission, and not just be captured or killed so easily....they must have some reasonable chance to win (some weapon or strategy which strike at the antagonists' weaknesses), or the audience won't have anyone "good" to cheer for. Or perhaps it's just an anti-war statement, in which case, the characters must be made sympathetic.

XBlue was introduced, and I'm not sure why. Perhaps he could be better exploited, either as a flawed superman, or as someone drawn to the dark-side before even meeting up with Ryan and Jesus. Speaking of them, do Ryan and Jesus die....or not?

Why are the aliens there? Can they have some greater purpose in the storyline? Are they there to promote the destruction of mankind by pitting humans against their soulless former colleagues? Do they want to take over Earth, or do they just like to fight and kill things?

I think the pretext to the whole story need to be fleshed out, and perhaps explained in a prologue. Who are these warring groups, and why do they fight? What do they hope to gain? What are their respective strengths....and weaknesses? Who's right in their fight....or is everyone wrong? Can good win over evil, or is good doomed to fail?

The key is conflict, and there must be some sense of equal ability to resist or win, or there is no conflict....only inevitable annihilation. And perhaps that was your goal....to show the inevitable disaster and uselessness of war. If THAT's the case, the there must be greater effort made to make the audience sympathize with the victims, and walk away from the movie convinced that war is wrong. If that WASN'T your intent, then I think the platoon has to be better organized when it hits the ground, and it must be better equipped to win the battle. It's OK to allow them to lose, but it must be believed that they had a chance to win....or there must be some story back home that you could expand upon as to the series of platoons purposely being sent to their demise.

Maybe your real hero is back in D.C., fighting Intelligence to find out the truth of what's going on with these warring groups (it's starting to sound like a Rambo variation). Maybe Ryan makes it back and tries to get the Pentagon to own up to the truth. Perhaps one or more of the zombies make it back to the Pentagon and infiltrate the military complex, perhaps doing the will of the Aliens. There are endless possibilities to make the storyline more sophisticated, but TO ME, at least, it has to be more substantive than a group of soldiers being dumped into a deadly and winless situation.

Just some thoughts. Ideas? Reactions?
 

director15

New member
Thanks for the advice. My intent to start off with was to make it like a zombie type "Apacolypse Now" type film. I'm going to go back and write more detail into these characters that we're captured create deep backgrounds for them , then I'm gonna go more into the situation with the millitary industrial complex.
 

pusser

New member
Don't know that it was "advice"....just some thoughts. You've got some battle scenes....now there just needs to be a reason for them, and a reason for the audience to care for one or more of the soldiers or groups. Let me know if I can help.
 
Top