Looking for feedback on 8 page script

The Bear

New member
this is the first script ive written so please tell me how it is, and be honest


INT-INSIDE HOUSE-DUSK

Slow zoom on a man sitting in a chair talking on a phone

Man 1 (in chair)
Do you have it

INT-INSIDE CAR-DUSK
Slow zoom on a man talking on cell phone while driving

George (in car)
yeah

Zoom on briefcase on back seat

George (CONT'D)
When do you want me to bring it

Cut back to Man 1

Man 1
As soon as possible

George (over phone)
I'll be there in half an hour

Man 1
Good

Pan acroos wall to show a third man (Robert) dialing 911

Robert (on phone)
Hello, police

EXT-OUTSIDE MAN 1'S HOUSE-EVENING

George parks his car outside, gets out, grabs the briefcase and lights a cigarette, he walks up to the door, extinguishes his cigarette and rings the doorbell, man 1 opens the door

Man 1
George come on in

they shake hands and George walks in

Man 1
so how've you been

George
Good

Man 1
Do you want some coffee or something

George
No I have to get going so let's do this fast

Man 1
Ok, let me see it

George sets the briefcase down on the table and opens it away fromthe camera

Man 1 (grinning)
Good

George
Do you have the money

Man 1 (still looking into thebriefcase)
Yeah it's right over there

they hear the sound of a car parking

Detective (Outside)
This is the police open the door and come out with your hands up

George
You rat

George starts pulling a gun from his shirt

Man 1
No I swear I didn't tell anybody

George blasts Man 1, picks up the briefcase and runs out the back door just as the detective kicks down the door, he walks over to Man 1's body looks at it and shakes his head

INT - DARKROOM - MIDDAY

FADE IN

detective sitting in dark room in a swivel chair talking on the phone

DETECTIVE
no i didn't catch him

MAN 4
(over phone)
what about robert

DETECTIVE
he hasn't told us much, yet

MAN 4
(over phone)
well see what else you can get out of him

DETECTIVE
will do

detective hangs up phone and walk out of room

CUT

CUT

detective walks down hallway and enters a room with tapes (police archives of some kind) robert (the man who called the police earlier) is sitting on a stool in the back corner, he is smoking a cigarette

DETECTIVE (CONT'D)
so tell me again what happened

robert extinguishes cigarette

ROBERT
i told you already i didn't see anything, after i called you James told me to get out because he had business to take care of, if i had stayed he would have gotten suspicious and called the whole deal off

DETECTIVE
ok

ROBERT
can i leave now

DETECTIVE
yes

detective walks out of room and back down the hall with robert following, he opens the door and robert walks out, detective walks back inside

CUT

CUT

EXT - OUTSIDE DETECTIVE BUILDING - MIDDAY

robert takes out a cell phone looks through contacts and finds the contact labeled george, he pushes send and puts the cell phone to his ear

ROBERT
i'm out

GEORGE
(over phone)
i'll be there in a minute

EXT - OUTSIDE DETECTIVE BUILDING - DUSK

robert is smoking a cigarette as a car pulls up, the car stops and robert gets in

CUT

INT - INSIDE CAR - MIDDAY

GEORGE
so what did they find out

ROBERT
i didnt tell them anything

GEORGE
thats good

robert lights cigarette

GEORGE (CONT'D)
dont smoke in my car

george extinguishes cigarette looks up and slams on the brakes

ROBERT
jesus christ watch the road, so whats in the briefcase

cut to shot of briefcase in the back

GEORGE
youre getting paid your money you dont need to know anything about what is going on

ROBERT
ok, i was just wondering what all the damn comotion was about

CUT

INT - DARKROOM -

Detective on phone

DETECTIVE
Something doesnt seem right about robert

MAN 4
(over phone)
what do you meen

DETECTIVE
i dont know

reviews a tape on a screen

DETECTIVE (CONT'D)
i saw him get picked up by the car that was outside the house we entered

MAN 4
(over phone)
i thought james was dead

DETECTIVE
he is but i dont think thats james' car

MAN 4
(over phone)
do you think its the other mans

DETECTIVE
yes but i could be wrong

MAN 4
(over phone)
look into it and talk to me later

detective hangs up phone and plays video he sees georges car and stops the tape he looks closer and takes down the license plate #, he then turns off the monitor, grabs his gun and goes out of the room

CUT

EXT - OUTSIDE HOUSE FROM BEGINNING - MIDDAY

george and robert pull up to house, detective is waiting inside his car, he walks up to car

ROBERT
thats the detective from earlier

GEORGE
dont worry i'll take care of it

george thunbs back hammer on pistol next to his seat, detective gets to car, george rolls down window

GEORGE (CONT'D)
hello

DETECTIVE
hi my name's hershell i'm with the cspd, i was wondering if this is your house

george begins to speak but robert cuts in

ROBERT
yeah he's my room mate

DETECTIVE
(forcefully)
step out of the car with your hands in the air

george grabs pistol and fires two shots at hershell, hershell ducks and runs backto his car, george and robert get out of car, robert grabs the briefcase, they're running up the driveway and george fires off two more shots behind him, robert rounds corner just as hershell fires of two shots, they hit george in the back, george falls down and robert leans over him

ROBERT
get up george

GEORGE
up not going to make it, take the briefcase and get out of here

ROBERT
how do i open it

GEORGE
heres the code

george gives robert a slip of paper from his pocket, robert takes the paper and georges gun and runs hershell fires more shots at robert, robert runs behind a shed opens brief case

ROBERT
(grinning )
good

robert shuts the brifcase and picks up a pole, as hershell rounds the corner robert hits him with the pole, hershell and robert fight and hershell finally shoots robert he limps over to robert and picks up the briefcase and the slip of paper he opens the briefcase

DETECTIVE
(grinning)
good

BLACKOUT
 

director15

New member
thats pretty good , but you put "cut to" instead of cut. technically it "Fade Out to Black" instead of blackout. good script over all though. u should go get a video camera and shoot this now. really good script.
 

pusser

New member
So how did the shoot go?

So how did the shoot go?

Keep in mind that your script must be written so that other people find it easy to read, understand, and navigate. Besides the fact that for much of the first quarter of the script, the characters' names weren't capitalized, I was most bothered by the "texting" style of minimal capitalization and punctuation, and a few misspellings. Those may be unimportant when you're using a cellphone, but in the form of a written script that someone else must interpret and deliver correctly (and perhaps pay you for), following the commonly accepted rules of the written language is expected. It's simple professionalism.

I think the ending was fine, but perhaps a bit predictable? You could have had the detective look at the contents, and look up at the camera is disbelief....neither a grin nor a look of fear....but of shock or disbelief....otherwise, I think readers will assume the contents were money or something else of financial value, making finders grin with greed. Having the detective give a look of shock allows the viewer to imagine it could be anything from cash to a body-part to....an empty case. It depends on what interpretation you want the audience to make.
 
Top