I'm new to writing...(some crude language)

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Guest

Guest
I don't have a title for this (dark humour)... I have some more but I will let you guy's digest these and tell me if I suck :(

Interior shot of old home...darkened living room (out of focus slowly focusing on a really large woman on couch)

Dave (Oriental Americanized male walks into focus) (starts to sing a song)

She'll have another piece of pie
She'll have a double Reuben rye
She works hard at eating well
That's why I love her

She's got a couple of pony kegs
Her arms are bigger than my legs
And when she holds me I can't breathe
That's why I love her

Yeah I'm her butter she's my bread
She's like a mobile waterbed
And when I get on top of her
I can't touch the mattress

And when her flesh begins to sag
She's like a human sleeping bag
I feel so cozy safe and warm
She's my insulation

I always know where she sat
And when she's on me I get flat
Some broken ribs a punctured lung
That's why I love her

She's my filly* I'm her stud
Her bean is bigger than my pud
It's like feeding a Tic-Tac to a whale
That's why I love her

She'll have another piece of pie
She'll have a double Reuben rye
She works hard at eating well
That's why I love her
Copyright 1995 by West Beach Music/NOFX Music
Recorded by NOFX on the CD "Heavy Petting Zoo" (Epitaph 86457-4,
1995)

Scene 2

There was sex (Shot of Glenda “the fat woman” in shower, odd outline shadow through curtain of mass body flesh)

Dave (recent winner of stand-up comedy contest)

“I didn’t almost vomit that time” (fake chuckle) and does a spit take into shower

Glenda leans out of the shower a hand exposes with black nail polish and belts out a song her band metal band has been playing that seem’s appropriate for the moment
Sex for a few marks
There is no tabu

The choice is large
To grasp something young
Fragile and naive
Shake by excitement , the passion can't be hidden

You're holding her
She is yours now
Your bloodless brain does not register

You've got only one goal
Delight, pleasure, ecstasy
A total satisfaction at any cost
Who cares about the hell she's going through

You've bought her, the money wipes out all respect
The school girl is yours for a few moments

What do you feel like?
Oral? Anal? Piss or Sado?
She has to submit
You've bought her

You stink of sweat, you gaze into her face, how old is she - ten?
Your daughter is the same age
No! No! This is different, you've bought this one
Just like the others
Who cares about who sold her to you - a brother, a school mateor f**king parents
Who cares, you've paid for it, she's yours

scene 3

David ( hands Glenda a towel and slaps her ass)
“That song really sucked” “Your really sick you know that?” (David fake chuckles again)

(Bathroom Hall scene, David is standing outside door because bathroom is filled with Glenda and steam)


(Glenda walks past David, David leans over railing to let her pass naked ,steaming)

David (still standing in hallway wipes off water that was pressed against his shirt)

“I need to borrow your car”

Glenda (changes in bedroom)

“I’d rather abort your fetus than give you my keys”

David (chuckles nervously)

“Ha”

Glenda

“Yes, David I am going to have your child” (say’s it matter of factly) pause as she pulls over her large black moomoo with the obligitory metal band logo. “I hope it’s not ugly”

David (look of wanting to pee his pants or run away to some foreign land that already has too many children that might not notice if he dropped one more at the door step)

"It won't be ugly" (smiles)
 

Kim Welch

Senior Member
Staff member
choppy

choppy

I am not like an all pro but for me it is a little choppy and there is to much camera instruction. I think that you need to tell a good story. when teh movie is to be made you hire the right Director of Photography and he will work out the camera placement and shots according to the action and the feel of each scene as it fits in the whole story. Hope that helps. Just my opinion.


Kim
 
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Guest

Guest
Ya..I get what your saying. I just added the camera stuff for my own perspective. I was looking for more of an opinion on my story telling style.
 

Kim Welch

Senior Member
Staff member
not what i want to read

not what i want to read

honestly, i dont' like it but it does not mean someone out there will not like it. I want to encourage everyone to express what they see, feel and think so you are expresssing something but for me it is not something I woudl invest much of my time in. it is like some kind of twisted sexual shock value thing.

I have to get into something in a reading in the first few sentences that will make me want to read more. If it gets grossly sexual or goes for shock value I will not be interested.

Kim
 
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Guest

Guest
Thanks Kim, I appreciate your opinion. I like dark and wierd stuff. Some of my favorite movies like Wild at Heart and True Romance where dark and creepy and my wife didn't like it so, I guess there is a huge difference in peoples tastes in film. I didn't think I would like Without a Paddle and I laughed my ass off. Well so far I must have had Well over a 100 people from this site and my web page read my scripts and who know's maybe someone will like it.
 
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Guest

Guest
I think I should post more...atleast it would give you guy's something to read :wink:
 

Kim Welch

Senior Member
Staff member
keep going

keep going

keep going. write and re-write. post more if you want in a new post. I rather read somethign and click the next button than have a huge scroller myself.


Kim
 
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