How can I write a seduction/pick up scene, without it being cliched?


New member
I was told that the scene I wrote where a woman picks up a man is poorly written and too cliched. The scene is a flashback within a scene, here:

Or maybe it's just better to hire a script doctor to improve the dialogue? But I find having to write a pick up scene and make it natural, can't help but be cliched, since both men and women tend to use cliched lines and methods. But how could I write it better?
First loose all the parentheticals-- they're passive-aggressive directing. Second, Domino's Friend is never introduced as a character. There are other problems. The poor formatting must be corrected before you worry about the dialogue.