CRITIQUES PLEASE ! Battle for Oleander Street (Short Film)

K

kaos1000

Guest
This will be made for a Digital Video festival with a 3 min. time constraint.
Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks


Code:
               EXT. BACK YARD - DAY

               It's a gathering of neighbors on Oleander Street; All ages,
               shapes and sizes. Standing at attention like soldiers, orders
               are being barked at them by ERIN (Female, 10).

               Erin is strolling down the line inspecting her troops; we've
               got one motivated little lady on our hands.

                                   ERIN
                         Kay,people!... Today's the day. Are
                         we tired of picking up trash?!!

                                   CROWD
                         Yes!

                                   ERIN
                         Are we done with outdated coupons
                         and cheap looking full page ads?!?

                                   CROWD
                         Yea!



               I/E. CRAPPY CAR - CONTINUOUS

               A street sign; it reads "Oleander St". SCOOTER pulls up
               finishing a smoke. Looking like he just came from a bar fight
               (that he lost), he's a man with a mission. The car barely
               runs. Stereo thumping.

               The back seat is filled with rolled up papers.

               Scooter takes a drink of soda pop.

                                   ERIN (O.S.)
                         Today's the day we take back our
                         neighborhood.

                                   CROWD (O.S.)
                         Yea!



               EXT. OLEANDER STREET - CONTINUOUS

               A nice little middle class neighborhood. Scooters car waits
               at the head of the street.



               EXT. BACK YARD - CONTINUOUS

               Erin has made her way to the end of her line of troops.

               She stops and pivots to face the big guy on the end. 

               She looks up at the man towering over her. With a stiff upper
               lip, she curls her finger to instruct the man to bend down to
               her level.

               Big guy bends down and gets in her face. Erin eyeballs him.

                                   ERIN
                         Don't screw it up this time.

               Man nods with dumb excitement.

               Erin turns away and addresses the crowd.

                                   ERIN
                         That's it!...........Man your
                         battle stations.

               The people scatter from the back yard.



               I/E. CRAPPY CAR - CONTINUOUS

               Scooter straps on his protective glasses and gives the jalopy
               a rev.



               EXT. OPPOSITE END OF THE STREET - CONTINUOUS

               Erin emerges and stands defiantly in the middle of the street
               with arms crossed. It's gonna be a showdown.



               I/E. CRAPPY CAR - CONTINUOUS

               Scooter rolls his eyes and flashes a mean look.

               He puts the car in gear. It creeps forward. Time to deliver
               some newspapers.

               IN THE CAR - MOVING

               Scooter reaches for a paper and cocks his arm to throw it.



               EXT. YARD #1 - CONTINUOUS

               A tetter totter with an empty basket attached to it.

               In pours the muddy gook mixed with news papers.

               IN THE TREE

               Big guy hangs from a rope harness.

               ON THE GROUND

               Kids cut the rope holding Big Guy

               IN THE TREE

                                   BIG GUY
                         Whoa!

               ON THE GROUND

               The catapult is launched. 



               EXT. CRAPPY CAR - CONTINUOUS

               The soggy mixture of mud and papers lands on the windshield.

               Scooter emerges from the car. Mud and papers cover him when
               he opens the door.

                                   SCOOTER
                         Gawd %!@&*



               EXT. YARD #2

               An elderly lady mounts her home made gattling gun. Her
               assistant lines up the chain of ammunition made from news
               papers.

                                   ELDERY LADY
                         Puckin' loser.

               She turns the crank and starts firing.



               EXT. CRAPPY CAR - CONTINUOUS

               Scooter is pummeled with a stream of papers. He falls.

               The ambush is finished by all involved emerging from bushes
               and hidden places etc.....

               Everyone is throwing papers at the paper boy.

               Dodging papers, he gets up. He is terrified.



               EXT. OPPOSITE END OF THE STREET - CONTINUOUS

               Over Erin's shoulder, the crowd is pummeling the paperboy
               down the street.

               Erin answers her cell phone.

                                   ERIN
                         Yea....Tell the circulation manager
                         Oleander's clear. I'll start
                         delivering the Tribune on
                         Monday..... Dogwood's next..Oh...
                         and I want a raise.......

               Erin leaves the frame talking while the chaos ensues in the
               background.

               FADE OUT
 
V

vervor

Guest
very cool - tight as a good commercial which, at 3min, seems appropriate - you understand clearly the first rule of a short film: to keep the message as short and sweet as your time constraint! - good luck with it it has promise
 
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