A question, and a plea for an opinion of a screenplay.

A

AsZe

Guest
Hey there. First post here, hope I don't screw up anything with the rules. ;-)

First off, I'm not a film student - I am a student, but I'm studying human-computer interaction. My programme just happens to have a film course, though, and I'm supposed to hand in part of a spec to get my credit. So as much as all the film stuff really does sound fascinating to me, I'm not really very 'in' the subject.

Now that that's said, I've got two things I hope you guys can help me with.

First - if I have a scene in which two people are talking, say, about a third person, and I want said third person to be shown on screen for a moment during this conversation, with the talking still going off-screen, how would I go about writing that down in the spec?

And second - the spec-part I'm supposed to hand in, I have it sort of written down, but I'd love to know what somebody thinks of it. Keep in mind, please, that I'm by no means a professional - but at the same time, I'm pretty ambitious and hate to hand things in that aren't the best I can do.

The general idea would be sort of... hmm. Birds of Prey meets Charlie's Angels, sort of, a team of three women specialising in retrieving any object, person or information, from anywhere, in record time and with record low losses. Except they're nuts. Deemed completely insane by the outer world. And they get a shrink assigned to them before their next mission.

I realise it's not quite original, but hey, least in this one, the heroines aren't quite sane. I'd think they're more believable because of that, since, well, 'normal' people don't usually act the way we see spies or superheroes in movies act. You gotta be nuts, or desperate, or running from something, to behave like that, but when you're on a mission, you have to reign it all in and behave like nothing's wrong in your world. Which is something I don't think I've seen in any superhero movie or series but for Batman and Birds of Prey. (I'm not actually a huge fan of Batman, but, well, yeah)

So, basically - here's a trio of professional thieves, the good girls, hired for all the toughest missions there are, and there's only one problem. They're too good to be sane.

Now that I've babbled on and on, I'll post the part I have so far.

------------

THE COBALT SQUAD

FADE IN:

EXT. TRAINING AREA - AFTERNOON (13.40) - ESTABLISHING

It's the middle of summer, and the training area is full of Blue Ops operatives going
through their daily exercises.

Nearby, set against a calm forest and lake, is a large, one-story BUILDING COMPLEX.

CUT TO:

INT. COBALT OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

The Cobalt Squad's joint office, suitably decorated in blues, grays and dark, opaque
glass, has three windows looking out on the lake.

There's an armchair, couch and coffee table to one side. The rest of the room is
dominated by a large, triangular desk, a flat TV screen on the nearby wall. The desk is
divided into three equal sections, each with its own laptop, drawer cabinet and chair.

AMANDA CORLEONE, 26, is an attractive Italian-born girl, tall, tanned and very much in
shape. She enters the room and sits in the comfortable armchair, waiting for another
woman to finish up a conversation on the videophone at her desk.

NATALIE HARGROVE, 29, has a girl-next-door look about her. Dark-haired, tall and fit,
she doesn't quite look the part of a geek. She doesn't seem too happy about the way the
call is going.

HARGROVE
You wouldn't happen to know if...

Interrupted, Hargrove listens a moment, then sighs.

HARGROVE
Of course, sir. I'll see to it, then. Yes, sir.

Corleone raises an eyebrow - this isn't one of Hargrove's 'geek-calls' after all.

HARGROVE
Thank you, sir. Hope you have a nice weekend. We'll see you
come Monday, then? That's fine. Bye.

Hargrove ends the call and leans back in her chair, contemplating her desk - and pretty
much ignoring Corleone's presence.

CORLEONE
Well?

HARGROVE
Well what?

CORLEONE
Who was that?

HARGROVE
Commander Jennings.

Corleone waits for an explanation, but when none is forthcoming, she finally gives in.

CORLEONE
And?

HARGROVE
(absently)
And what?

CORLEONE
(getting annoyed)
And, I very much doubt he was calling to ask how we were
doing. What's up?

Hargrove sighs, pushes away from her desk and finally looks at her friend. There's no
easy way to break the news.

HARGROVE
He's assigned a psychologist to us.

Corleone's surprised, to say the least - she hadn't been expecting this at all.

CORLEONE
A psychologist?

HARGROVE
One of the best in the field, apparently.

CORLEONE
(beat)
I guess we should be flattered...

HARGROVE
They're worried we'll turn on them. Jennings did all he
could, but...
(beat)
Between you, me and Kiela, we're quite the team. We could
certainly shake things up a bit, and they know it.

CORLEONE
Ruffle a few feathers?

HARGROVE
Get a hold of some top-secret documents.

CORLEONE
Mess up a peace treaty or two.

HARGROVE
Find a few items we weren't supposed to know about...

CORLEONE
Sounds like a plan.

The two women laugh like they're sharing a good joke.

HARGROVE
I'm not surprised they want to make sure we don't screw up.
I'd actually been expecting it for some time now.

Corleone stops just short of snorting at the idea.

CORLEONE
Yes, because our mental health is just -so- unstable...

HARGROVE
We're not exactly picture perfect, Amanda. Far from it,
actually.

CORLEONE
(feigning surprise)
What? We aren't?

Corleone jumps up from the armchair to look at the full length mirror, taking a moment
to inspect herself. Her good humour wins over her modesty as she comments-

CORLEONE
I look good.

Corleone then looks over, assessing Hargrove, and shrugs.

CORLEONE
And you don't look too bad yourself...
(winks)
...at least for someone your age.

Hargrove laughs, but doesn't respond to the jibes.

The door opens to admit KIELA PAERNS, 17. At least she looks that age - in reality
she's 25. She's shorter than her two friends and very slim. She's cute, in a teenager
way, and her blond hair has aqua streaks in it. Despite the slightly rebel look, she's
a quiet individual.

Paerns nods to the other two and crosses over to the sofa. Corleone is on a roll now.

CORLEONE
You know, even Kiela here isn't that bad - especially if
you're into the whole looks like a teenager thing.

Hargrove laughs, while Paerns looks on, lost, trusting the others to bring her up to
speed.

CORLEONE
Jennings called.

Paerns looks between the two.

PAERNS
I take it it wasn't a social call?

CORLEONE
Not quite... Seems like they're worried we might lose our
minds one of these days.

HARGROVE
Amanda was trying to prove we were picture perfect, and that
we didn't need any help.

CORLEONE
'Far from mentally unstable' is what I was going for.

Hargrove is used to such comments from Corleone. Amused, she tolerates them in much the
same way a mother tolerates what her young child says.

HARGROVE
My mistake.

PAERNS
(steering the conversation back to the topic)
So... they want us to meet someone. A psychologist.

HARGROVE
To make sure we're still sane, yes.

CORLEONE
Oh, it gets better. It's not a one-time fling or anything.
They're assigning her to the three of us.

PAERNS
(very sarcastically)
Cool.

CORLEONE
Yeah.

Hargrove remains silent, though.

PAERNS
(carefully)
Why do I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop?

CORLEONE
Good question. It -is- a she, isn't it?

The fact that Hargrove shrinks ever slightly against her chair is a dead giveaway.

HARGROVE
Ah... not quite.

PAERNS
(hopefully)
So it's an it?

HARGROVE
No, uhm... It's a he. His name is Faeren Rhodri.

Silence descends on the office, as the women consider the implications. Then-

CORLEONE
I beat up a counselor once.

Hargrove groans; this was to be expected, but she'd been hoping it wouldn't come to it.

CORLEONE
He was called... Perry. Perry Payton. Think this Faeren guy
knows him?

PAERNS
(dryly)
If he does, I'm sure he'll know to watch out around you.
(to Hargrove)
When do we meet him?

HARGROVE
He's supposed to come in on the afternoon bus, at sixteen
hundred hours...

Corleone glances at the clock - it's nearly 1400 as it is.

CORLEONE
Being warned ahead of schedule is so nice, isn't it.

PAERNS
Guess it all comes with the job.

The three women fall silent again, thinking. Soon enough, though, Corleone looks up,
apparently all happy again.

CORLEONE
So - anyone hungry?

FADE TO:

EXT. AIRPORT - MOMENTS LATER - ESTABLISHING

A plane ROARS into life, then slowly rolls across the airstrip to pick up its passengers
at a medium-sized airport.

CUT TO:

INT. AIRPORT, WAITING AREA -- CONTINUOUS

Amongst the throng of people waiting for their flight is FAEREN RHODRI, 32, sitting in
the quietest corner, talking on his cellphone.

INT. NONDESCRIPT OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS

CAPTAIN CAMRON BAILEY is sitting at a desk, hanging on the phone and absently looking
through a stack of papers.

BAILEY
You're sure you're going to be alright, son? Those women
aren't known for their impeccable manners, you know. Not to
mention their other... charming... traits.

INTERCUT BETWEEN RHODRI AND BAILEY

RHODRI
Oh, the Deranged Trio, the Loonie Threesome... I've heard
quite a few of the names they've been called, sir.

BAILEY
And you're fine with that?

RHODRI
(laughing)
As fine as anyone could be when walking into a cage full of
lions. Frankly, it's hard for me to imagine a trio like the
one painted in all those reports. They sound too good to be
true.

BAILEY
They're too good to be sane, Rhodri.

RHODRI
Right. Well, if they're even a third of what they appear to
be on paper, it'll be an interesting experience. I may be
worried about meeting them, but I'm sure it's still
reasonably safe.

BAILEY
Not quite how I see it, but if you're absolutely sure about
this...

RHODRI
I'm sure I won't get bored, sir.

BAILEY
Oh, I'm sure you won't, son, I'm sure you won't.
(sighing heavily)
Well, for what it's worth, son, good luck.

RHODRI
Thank you, sir. I'll send in progress reports every week, as
agreed.

BAILEY
Very well. We'll be waiting for them.

RHODRI
Goodbye, Captain.

BAILEY
Goodbye, Lieutenant.
(beat)
And, son? You're a brave man.

Rhodri ends the call, then speed-dials 'Unc'. But before he can press the call button-

ANNOUNCER
Passengers of flight B-35 are asked to gate A.

With a weary sigh, Rhodri pockets his cellphone, stands up and heads to the gate.

------------

Please let me know what you think, and what I should fix? Thanks!
 
Top