14 page short ... looking for feedback

The Gunslinger

New member
Ok folks here is a screenplay that I wrote for me and my friends to film. It's not anything groundbreaking and certainly not the best screenplay I've written but its the shortest so I figured it would be the easiest to get feedback on ... btw my formating is nearly perfect it just gets f'ed up in pasting. (I only did one draft so there might be a few mess ups though)

thanks in advance :)

FADE IN:
EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - DAY
MAINE has allot on his plate. He is in his early twenties, he goes to college, he has a full time job, he is a full time boyfriend and he deals with all of the other crap that comes along with being a kid in his position. The highlight of Maine’s day is when he throws on his old beat up shoes and goes for his daily run.
Maine runs at a steady pace. Left, right, left, right, his feet rise and fall over and over again. He doesn’t get winded, he doesn’t slow down, he just keeps on running.
Today is no different. Maine is doing his normal long, grueling run.
Until he turns a corner and crashes into the man that will change his life.
DAR7H DAZ3 is your prototypical computer geek, crooked glasses, messy beard, geeky clothes. The only surface difference between him and your normal run of the mill computer geek is the bullet hole in the middle of his stomach and the unhealthy amount of blood pouring out of it.
When Maine runs into him Dar7h Daz3 collapses into his arms.
MAINE
Holy shit, are you alright man?
Dar7h grabs Maine’s hand and puts a pendrive and a mini dvd into it.
DAR7H DAZ3
I’m sorry. I have to.
Dar7h Daz3 coughs uncontrollably and blood begins to trickle out of his mouth. He struggles but stifles the cough and looks Maine directly in the eyes.
DAR7H DAZ3 (cont’d)
Run, just keep running.
Dar7h Daz3 sways before he goes limp and dies in Maine’s arms.
Maine drops him and steps back horrified.
He looks at his empty hand that is now covered in Dar7h Daz3’s blood, then looks at his other hand at the mini dvd and the pendrive.
MAINE
What the fuck?
A storm of bullets begin to hit the ground all around him.
MAINE (cont’d)
(to himself)
Just keep running.
Maine sprints down the street to get away from the gunfire. He takes a look over his shoulder and sees a black suv with a gun sticking out of the window. The gun disappears into the window as the window rolls up and the suv begins to chase him.
EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - CONTINUOUS
Maine comes sprinting around an intersection and down the road. He keeps looking over his shoulder, but he doesn’t see anything, so he just keeps running.
He runs down blocks, he turns at corners, he hops fences, he runs, and he runs, and he runs, and he runs...
EXT. GAS STATION - CONTINUOUS
Maine sees a gas station in the distance where GUY AT PUMP is filling up his car and he runs toward it.
MAINE
(panting)
Excuse me.
Maine runs up to Guy At Pump, panting, and hunched over, obviously out of breath.
GUY AT PUMP
What the?
Main puts his hand on Guy At Pump’s shoulder to brace himself.
MAINE
You gotta help me, These guys are after me and ...
Maine is interrupted by gunfire.
He ducks down until it has stopped. When it is finally over he stands up and looks at Guy At Pump.
MAINE (cont’d)
Holy shit. Dude are you alright?
Guy At Pump stares blankly at Maine. Maine shakes him.
MAINE (cont’d)
Buddy ...
Guy At Pump coughs up way too much blood and collapses into Maine’s arms. Maine pulls his hand away from Guy At Pump and takes a horrified look at it to see that it is covered in a mix of Dar7h Daz3 and Guy At Pump’s blood.
Maine drops Guy At Pump’s lifeless body and once again takes off running.
EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - CONTINUOUS
Maine continues his plight down the darkened streets that he is so familiar with.
Out of breath and still terrified he dives into the woods. He crawls until he feels he is far enough away from the road to be safe yet close enough to get a look if he pursuers pass by.
INT. DARK ROOM
The room is pitch black except for the glow of the computer screen. On the screen there is a search index and still picture of Maine holding Dar7h Daz3 from earlier. Whoever is running the program zooms in on the hands of the men in the picture to confirm that the pendrive was exchanged, he then zooms onto Maine’s face.
He clicks on the search button.
After a couple of seconds a box pops up on the screen containing a drivers license picture of Maine and the following information:
MAINE ROBERTS
49 LAKEVIEW DR.
GILEAD, NY. 57892
SPRINT CELLULAR PHONE: 724-555-5309
DOB: 07/07/1984
SS: 158-97-5436
EXT. WOODS
Maine has propped himself up against a tree where he is trying to catch his breath and regain his composure.
He holds his breath and becomes deathly still when he hears the hum of an engine slowly driving by.
Maine dares to peak around his tree to get a better look at who is trying to kill him but all he sees is the black suv slowly drive by his hiding spot.
After the suv passes he stays pressed against the tree until he is sure that he doesn’t hear the engine anymore. Satisfied, he slowly and cautiously creeps out of the woods to get a better look.
Seeing that the coast is clear he begins to jog back in the direction that he came from and takes out his cell phone. He dials in a number and puts it to his ear.
MAINE
Hello? Baby it’s me.
(listens)
Yeah I’m fine.
(listens)
Listen are you home?
(listens)
Okay I’m gonna stop by. I’ll be there in a few.
Maine hangs up his phone and once again starts running down the road.
EXT. GIRLFRIEND’S HOUSE
Maine’s girlfriend’s house is a nice little house. Vinal siding, wooden stoop maintained yard.
Maine comes running down the block up to his girlfriends house he jumps up onto the stoop and hastily knocks on the door.
The door opens and Maine pushes his way in.
INT. GIRLFRIEND’S HOUSE
GABBY, Maine’s girlfriend, is a cute girl but she obviously wasn’t expecting anyone. She is wearing short gym shorts and a wife beater. Her hair is up and a mess and she has a green facial cream on her face. The fact that the way her boyfriend is acting is scaring the crap out of her clearly isn’t helping.
GABBY
Jesus Christ Maine, what the fuck is going on?
Maine quickly inspects the house. He goes from room to room peaking out of the windows.
GABBY (cont’d)
Baby what the fuck is going on?
Maine spots the television in the living room.
MAINE
Is there a DVD player in here?
GABBY
Yeah it’s right under the TV. What the fuck is going on?
Maine goes to the DVD player and pulls the DVD he was given out of his pocket. He turns everything on and begins to put the DVD in the player.
Gabby grabs his arm and makes him face her.
GABBY (cont’d)
Tell me what the fuck is going on.
MAINE
Listen your not gonna believe this but I was jogging and I ran into some guy ... The guy was shot.
GABBY
What do you mean the guy was shot?
MAINE
I mean he was fucking shot. Like there was a bullet in his fucking stomach and he was bleeding all over the place.
Maine holds his hand up to her face to show her the blood.
GABBY
Holy shit.
Maine goes into his pocket and pulls out the flash drive. He holds up both it and the DVD.
MAINE
He gave me these and then he died. In my arms.
GABBY
Oh my god, What did you do?
MAINE
Right after that someone started shooting.
GABBY
So he gave those to you and then he died? He didn’t say anything? Did he tell you what was going on?
MAINE
He told me he was sorry, and that I should run. That I should just keep running.
GABBY
Oh baby ...
She hugs him.
GABBY (cont’d)
So what are you gonna do now?
He holds up the DVD showing her that it says “watch first” on it.
MAINE
I’m gonna watch this first.
INT. GIRLFRIEND’S LIVING ROOM
Maine fumbles around with the DVD player and a couple of remote controls for a little while, as Gabby watches from the doorway.
GABBY
You want me to help?
Maine gives her a look that could burn a hole through her.
GABBY (cont’d)
Okay, okay, god for-fucking-bid.
Maine finally gets the DVD player working. He grabs a chair from the kitchen table and places it right in front of the TV. Gabby stands behind him and rubs his shoulders. Maine hardly notices as he gives the TV screen his undivided attention.
INT. ON THE TELEVISION SCREEN
Dar7h Daz3 is adjusting the camcorder that is filming him. When he is satisfied he sits down on stool that he positioned in front of the camcorder. He looks exactly like he did when Maine ran into him minus the bullet hole and the blood.
DAR7H DAZ3
"And the third angel sounded, and there fell a great star from heaven, burning as it were a lamp. And the name of the star is called Wormwood and many men died of the waters, because they were made bitter." Revelations, 8:10. Now, what this means is something that scholars have been debating and hypothesizing about for centuries. The most commonly agreed upon answer is that is a meteor that will cause the end of the world. But I know what will actually cause our doom, and you, whoever you are, are probably holding it in your hand. Since your watching this it probably means that I’m up shit’s creak and in all reality your about to join me.
He pauses looking spooked. He looks away as if he hears something.
DAR7H DAZ3 (cont’d)
I don’t have much time and at this point you probably don’t either. On the pen drive is a computer virus called The Wormwood Virus, a doomsday computer virus the likes of which the world has never seen. I created it and now they want it. The second that pen drive is inserted into a computer that is hooked up to the internet everything else that is hooked up to the internet shuts off, permanently. I was tempted to call it the light switch virus but I ended up going with wormwood, anyway, I don’t have the time to go into the implications of this so put it this way, it would be mass hysteria, anarchy, chaos, basically the end of everything we know. All this is information. I don’t have any answers for you. I don’t know what you should do. I’m gonna try to run and hide but obviously that didn’t work. Run my friend, just keep running.
Dar7h Daz3 gets up and shuts off the camcorder and the screen goes blue.
INT. GIRLFRIEND’S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Having just finished watching the DVD, Maine is dumbstruck. He looks down at his hand which he is clenching into a fist so tight his knuckles are turning white. Slowly he opens his hand revealing the pendrive. He stares at it as if it will give him some kind of answer.
MAINE
What the fuck am I supposed to ...
Maine is cut off by a loud KNOCK on the door.
Both Maine Gabby turn to the door horrified.
The person at the door continues to knock and fumble with the door knob.
Maine and Gabby both look at each other not knowing what to do.
GABBY
(whispering)
Okay, you run out the back door and get away. I’ll answer the door and distract them as long as I can.
The knocks on the door grow louder and louder.
MAINE
No fucking way who knows wh...
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
GABBY
(high pitched towards the door)
Just a minute, I’m not decent.
She turns to Maine who looks furious.
GABBY (cont’d)
(to Maine)
Baby, I had to. Now you gotta get out of here.
She grabs him by the back of the head and pulls him forward, kissing him passionately.
GABBY (cont’d)
I love you.
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
GABBY (cont’d)
(to the door)
I’ll be right there.
(to Maine)
Now go!
MAINE
I love you to.
He kisses her quickly one more time and runs out the back door.
Gabby runs to the bathroom, grabs her robe and quickly puts it on. She runs her hand over hair to smooth it down.
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
GABBY
(to herself)
I’ll be right fucking there
She looks at herself in the mirror and takes a deep breath to steady herself and heads to the door.
EXT. GABBY’S BACKYARD
Maine runs through Gabby’s backyard and hops her fence bringing him into the woods.
He starts to run through the woods when the sound of a gunshot coming from Gabby’s house stops him in his tracks.
He looks back in despair. His eyes swell up with tears. Knowing there is nothing he can do he turns back to his path and keeps running.
INT. DARK ROOM
We return to the dark room with the only source of light still being the computer monitor which continues to be on the screen that has all of Maine’s information.
A cell phone flips open providing another small source of light. Whoever is holding the phone presses the number 1 and then the “talk” button. The phone connects and whoever is using it moves it up to his ear and out of view.
PERSON IN DARK ROOM
We have experienced three casualties. I request the full team in order to quickly complete this assignment and clean up the mess.
(pauses)
Thank you.
He closes the cell phone with a click.
INT. MAINE’S ROOM - DUSK
Maine’s room is very small. The fact that he has a bed in there that is entirely too big only adds to the claustrophobic feel. Besides the dominating bed there is a small television at the end of the bed and a computer on a stand by the door. At the head of the bed there are two windows covered in blinds.
Maine enters hastily closing the door behind him. He leans on the door and takes a deep breath.
After a moment he sits down on his bed, puts the pen drive down on his desk and puts his head in his hands, seemingly enjoying the first calm moments of the day. Then, like a ton of bricks the whole weight of everything that has happened that day crashes down onto him. He breaks down, he begins to weep.
His cell phone rings jerking him back to reality. He looks at the caller I.D and sees that it is a “restricted” number. He decides to answer it.
MAINE
Hello?
PERSON IN DARK ROOM (O.S.)
Are you ready to make this easy?
MAINE
Easy? You fucking killed my girlfriend.
PERSON IN DARK ROOM (O.S.)
(cutting him off)
And we will kill you, and we kill your family, and we will kill everyone we have to in order to get what we want.
MAINE
Fuck yourself.
He slams his phone shut hanging up.
The phone rings, again with a “restricted” number. Maine hits the ignore button.
The phone rings again. Maine ignores it again.
An alert comes from his computer. He looks over and there is a dos message saying “just make it easy”.
Maine gets up and begins to pace back and forth in his little space.
A distant hum of a helicopter draws his attention. The hum is very faint but now he is becoming justifiably paranoid.
His phone rings again. He doesn’t bother to stop his pacing to check it instead he just lets it ring.
Another alert comes from his computer. And then another, and another, and another. All of them say the same thing and soon his monitor is covered in these messages.
His phone rings.
He continues to pace.
His computer continues to beep with alerts.
As he paces he looks at the pen drive.
The hum of the helicopter seems louder now.
He grabs at his hair as he paces.
His phone rings.
His computer beeps.
He paces.
The helicopter is very loud now. He is sure its over his house.
He looks at the pen drive.
A search light begins to move over his blinds.
His phone rings.
He paces and stares at the pen drive, ripping at his hair.
He computer beeps.
His doorbell rings.
His doorbell rings.
His phone starts to ring nonstop, his computer beeps over and over again.
The helicopter is deafening.
Someone is banging on his door.
He looks at the pen drive.
He looks at the pen drive.
Suddenly its like someone turns down the volume. All of those noises now seem a hundred miles away.
He picks up the pen drive and smiles as he slides it into his usb port.
Everything goes black.
FADE OUT.
 

Vaare

New member
[Disclaimer: I am not a professional screenwriter, and everything here is just my opinion. I will be brutally honest. It is my style.]

I'm just going to be strait forward: First off--What a horrrrible beginning. When you start off you sound like you're writing a novel, which is not what you're trying to do. You're writing for the SCREEN. Everything you write in your screenplay has to play out on the screen somehow. You never say stuff like "he goes to college, has a ful time job and is a full time boyfriend, etc" It's called SHOW not TELL. The audience won't know any of this you're telling us at the beginning unless you show it. Instead of just saying he has a girlfriend, edit it so that when he wakes up and gets ready for his morning jog he kisses his sleeping girlfriend on the head or something similar.

Next. While there is no official rule against it... I have to say, never give your character a name like "DAR7H DAZ3". That may be his online handle or whatever, but call him by his real name in the script and maybe you can mention the handle sometime later.

Another problem is constantly writing the character's name with EVERY action. "Maine does this" "Maine does that". Once you introduce a character into a scene you don't need to mention them over and over again. Unless there is a multitude of different characters of the same sex, "he" or "she" will do just fine.

"he runs, and he runs, and he runs, and he runs... "
Simply not necessary. We got that he's running.

"Main puts his hand on Guy At Pump’s shoulder to brace himself."
Another instance of mentioning a character over and over.

"Holy crud. Dude are you alright?"

Honestly, the dialogue made me cringe. I don't know where you live, but do people reall talk like this where you're from? How about when they're getting shot at?

I'm not done reading yet so that's pretty much all I have to say. Kind of have a headache (not from you're reading so don't take it personally, haha). I'll finish reviewing later. And by the way, might hell to attract readers if you at the very least put a line of space between actions and character/dialogue to at least attempt to emulate the true script format.

~Vaare Valentino
 

The Gunslinger

New member
Thanks for the honest feedback I hope you eventually finish up. I'm not defensive at all but I will say this lol my formating was perfect it was the copy and pasting that messed it up and I wasn't about to go through and reformat 14 pages.
 

Vaare

New member
Ok, I've finished reading. Time to finish what I started.

Again, with the dialogue. I don't know whether it was intentional or if you just made a cutesie version to post on here, but if certain talk suits the situation, don't kiddie it up. "puck" substituting fuck/fucking and "crud" taking the place of shit doesn't work for me. You might as well just create all new dialogue where the character doesn't have to use any of those types of words.

When Gabby gets killed, you don't see that much conflict in Maine. It says he knows he can't do anything and he just keeps going, but that's it. Again, here is one point where you have to consider how it will all play out on screen. Show him jumping at the sound of the gunshots and running back to the house before the men burst out of the back door shooting at him. (Ok, so I'm reminded of The One, but it works.)

Overall, before Gabby's death, I don't think he has any motivation to keep the damn drive, other than a dying guy asking him to have it. Maybe that's just the kind of guy he is. If I was handed that thing and was being shot at seconds later, I'd chuck it. But that's just me.

PERSON IN DARK ROOM (O.S.)
And we will kill you, and we kill your family, and we will kill everyone we have to in order to get what we want. "
Two things: 1.) Yeah... dry. Overused. Cliche. Take your pick. It's just not blood-curdling, which I think it should be for a ruthless man like him. 2.) Really introduce your characters. Give them a NAME, even if the audience will never even know his name. If nothing else it makes it easier on yourself and on the script reader.

Describe your characters. Other than Maine being in his 20's I don't have any idea what he might look like. I'm not saying be overly descriptive and give him green eyes and blonde hair that goes down to his back. But there has to be some sort of visual. This is going to be recorded you know. The antagonist could use an appearance, as well as a voice. Even if it's just a silhouette. Is he a small thin guy? Is he a huge and dominating figure? Since we only hear his voice it might be a good idea to give him a good one. Deep and oafish? Quiet, cool and like a hiss of a snake?

One thing I did like was the tension at the end where he inserts it into his computer. It was pretty nicely done, but like anything it can still be improved. Instead of people knocking on the door (don't think they'd be knocking at this point) they kick it down and begin searching through the house? Maine picks up the pen drive and jams it in the computer just as the bad guys enter the room guns-a-blazing. Makes for an exciting ending methinks.

Hope I helped at all, and that I wasn't being overly critical. Not trying to write your story for you. :) It's all ultimately up to you, the screenwriter. Just what I thought could use some improvement. Ciao!

~Vaare Valentino
 

The Gunslinger

New member
Thanks man I really do appreciate the feedback, I'll deff use it on the second draft if I do one but like I said it was just a quick draft for me and my friends to throw together. Really just a long chase sequence.

I do have other stuff that I am working on that I consider to be far superior maybe I'll post them one day. But they are features and I could only get one person to give me quality feedback on a short lol.
 
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