just started the showcase section and posted a screenplay



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  • just started the showcase section and posted a screenplay


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  • #2
    After reading the script I'd say that it is overall good, but I'll post my critisisms.

    1. It's predictable at some parts:
    eg: when the bank teller judy says "I'm not giving them the money. They're not gonna do anything. These guys are bank robbers not killers. They're in enough trouble as it is. Do you really think they would kill anyone?" I instanly knew what would happen to her, and i wasn't surprised when it did.

    2. out of place character behaviors.
    eg: Jimmy is an extremely sensitive character for the job he does, i really just did not buy it.

    3. (my biggest critisism.) There was not enough set-up to the payoff. Simply put, i didn't know why the characters did what they did towards the end of the screenplay.

    Thats it for my critisms. But i have to say, that the red light kicked a lot of ass.


    • #3
      I don't think Jimmy's sensitivity was out of character at all, just ironic. It is difficult to have any feelings towards someone cold or devoid of any feeling. I find it easier to sympathise with Jimmy because of the sensitivity of his nature and lack of control he has over his mind. As I've discussed the screenplay with Ed so many times that any intrepretation of my own would be only the places that personal intepretations is totally meant to happen I understand everything that goes on and the reasons Ed wrote it as he did, and also have an understanding of how he wants it to look on film. I think a lot of it is amtomspheric and not meant to be readable from words (eh..).. therefore it's somewhat like what goes on is less relivant than what doesn't, and would instead be left up to scenery or the emotions of the actors to convey. Therefore, why they do what they do is not so important, and really not important to the script at all. I think perhaps the film would not be best for someone who was watching it solely for reasons of actions or depth of characters but instead emotion and atmosphere. Perhaps that is only my interpretation though, but if so, certainly the film would not be for everyone, but enjoyable for just as many. Especially those who can appreciate the need to intrepret. All the criticisms I had for it I've already expressed to him personally, and I think it's fine as it is and will make a wonderful film I hope to help with if I can.


      • #4
        thanks for reading the script, and thanks mandy explaining some things that even I wouldnt have been able to put right in words.

        about your critisms:

        the first scene is actually meant to be predictable. there really was no other way around it for me to set it up the way i wanted to. Judy is meant to be a dumb, predicatable character. it is almost making fun of people and films when they have that type of scene in it with a dumb teenage girl who winds up getting killed.

        as far as the character of Jimmy goes, he is somewhat crazy. there are hints of him having some psychological problems in the past. Joe is a very demanding character who pushes his partner around alot. He doesnt go around killing anyone, he only does it for a reason. which, is different from how he was before, as he said.

        and your last critisism, towards the end of the play there is only one character. so there is really no way i can explain that. i also cant explain it without giving away one of my interpretations. all i can say is that when put to screen, it should be alot easier understand, even from your own point of view.


        • #5
          What everybody should do is write a screenplay for themselves, and not someone else. If you know how you want it, and you think its perfect, do it that way. Its just that if I were writing it, I would write it differently, just because of the sole fact that everyone has there own versions of what they like and dislike.


          • #6
            i agree with you completely. I was just trying to give you a better understanding of my vision.


            • #7
              Good script overall it was good. Writing dialog could use a little work as the dialog gives a little too much away too soon. And some of the dialog is stale, put some work into it!

              How do you showcase your work on here. I wouldnt mind showing some of my stuff!


              • #8
                AnarchyFilms, what famous screenplays have you written?

                We encourage people with direction and unconditional positive regard. I don't like your tone in regards to your opinion something is stale in this persons work. What famous screenplays have you written?
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                • #9
                  Wow Kim, I hate to say it but you've got something twisted here. This guy posted looking for criticism, no? AnarchyFilms gave him just that. If you want to get better, you've got to learn to take the criticism and use it to benefit you.

                  It's called constructive criticism. If the members on here can't take it, then I'll soon find myself getting out of this forum before I even get into it...